Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Greens May Really Be Flesh-Eating Aliens

As incumbent Prime Minister Helen Clark looks likely to enter some kind of post-election coalition arrangement with the Green Party , concerns are rising that the Greens may really be a race of flesh-eating aliens with diabolical plans to take over the planet.

Centre-right politicians and business leaders are warning that, despite attempts by the Greens to present themselves as harmless and mainstream, they could actually be lizard-like creatures from the Horsehead Nebula with the ability to appear in human form, bent on turning the population into their personal protein source.

United Future leader Peter Dunne is insistent about the threat posed by the Green Party. "On the surface they might look like harmless, woolly environmentalists" he said. Dig a little deeper and you find they're throwback communists bent on destroying the economy. Dig deeper still and it turns out they're foul, scaly monsters from outer space who will carry off our children and enslave the human race".

Dunne has vowed to fight the Green scourge, even if it means forming a lone band of warriors dedicated to protecting the Earth from the invading hordes. He said that if necessary he would become a shadowy fugitive heading the resistance to the alien imperium.

"The Greens will not prevail. It's my bottom line", he said

Business Roundtable director Roger Kerr cautioned that if the Greens are allowed to get even one talon on the controls of government, nothing will stop them. "Today, an associate ministerial position outside Cabinet in environment or food safety, tomorrow the planet", he warned.

"If the Greens gain any power at all, it will be disastrous for my rival star system--I mean, for the New Zealand economy", said Kerr.

Suspicions have been growing about the possible extraterrestrial nature and carnivorous intentions of the Greens after a series of strange and sinister incidents have recently begun to come to light.

ACT leader Rodney Hide claims he entered the Beehive toilets one night when working late and stumbled across a frightening sight. "Keith Locke was standing in front of the mirror and appeared to be putting on a fake human face " said Hide. "I caught a glimpse of a long, forked tongue and an evil, reptilian visage. At the time I thought I was seeing things and dismissed it, but on several occasions since then I've found a strange, glowing ooze around the edges of the handbasins. "

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters has also come forward to report his misgivings about the Greens. He says that he surprised Green co-leader Rod Donald in a lonely part of the parliamentary corridors, hitching up his suspender belts and stuffing away what looked like a tail. It was around the same time, says Peters, that several of Parliament's cats mysteriously went missing.

Despite his suspicions, Peters would not confirm whether he would oppose a coalition which involved the Greens, saying only that he would be "uncomfortable" working with an administration that included alien monsters.

Amidst the controversy, Helen Clark has refused to confirmwhether she intends to offer the Greens positions in Cabinet. However, there has been widespread speculation that she will strike a Faustian deal in which she and her party will preserve their own lives and collaborate as functionaries of a future alien administration.

Green Party co-leader Jeanette Fitzsimmons has rejected the allegations that she leads a party of bloodthirsty creatures from a distant part of the galaxy. "This is reprehensible scaremongering" she said. "These wild claims are simply intended to distract attention from the real issues and obscure other parties' own lack of ideas. The Greens simply want to promote policies which support peace, diversity, a sustainable economy, and a healthy environment. "

"Off the record--ahahahahahahahaha! Soon we shall devour your brains!"

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